Ephesians 4:29 (NASB) ~ Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Therein lies the reason I have been posting less recently. There's another simpler way of stating it... "when you can't say anything good... don't say anything at all".
I have been in a really bad "funk" for a while now and just not able to work my way through it. And, although I don't proclaim to have been completely "set free"... I do proclaim to be on the path. Somewhere along the way (over the past two years), I got angry at God. Even though I professed with my mouth that I trusted His timing and His ways... my heart showed a whole different attitude. I wanted to believe this way... but, honestly I just didn't.
I wasn't ready for another child (yet) when we conceived Tabitha. We confirmed her impending arrival (July '06) just before Eliana's first birthday (December '05). But, I leaned on God and His Word and came to peace with His plan. My heart was selfish. I wanted more time for ME to be ready. I wanted ... well... that's just it. It was all about "I want". And that's something I never wanted to be. Pregnancy is always VERY rough for me. Labor and delivery have always been a piece of cake. But, the pregnancy was physically and emotionally draining on me. And, bedrest with two littles ones at home made things more difficult. Then, Tabitha has really been a sickly child. A lot of recurrent ear infections, upper respiratory stuff, hearing issues and just plain weak immune system. I was weary and struggling.
Jason and I committed our fertility to God's timing when we had my tubal reversal in December of 2000. We've maintained that committment ever since. So, we weren't really surprised when I got a positive pregnancy test on May 8, 2007... before Tabitha was even 10 months old. But, we were struggling. We had both been on our knees in prayer... asking that the Lord would give us longer to get our health and home in better shape... to have some time to focus on our marriage a little bit... to breathe. But, Noah's prayers must have held more faith... well, we know that God's plans aren't always our own. Noah was praying for a baby brother... and HIS prayers were definitely answered.
This pregnancy was also very difficult, but in slightly different ways than previously. Although I did struggle with blood pressure issues, that was in the middle of my pregnancy and was definitely stress related. But, because of those issues I had to abandon my heartfelt desire for a homebirth with a midwife. My heart still aches from the loss of that desire. Yet, I knew what was best for my family and for our baby. This time, I also crossed the line and was Gestational Diabetic. It was diet controlled and really nothing to worry about. And, I didn't require the serious bedrest for the last three months that I had with the 3 previous pregnancies. I rejoiced for that.
Josiah's birth was everything that I could have asked for when I submitted to not being able to homebirth. Although we did have an induction, I went in already contracting and ready. I also had no pain meds or epidural this time. This was a BIG prayer answered for me. But, it would seem that it too had come at a cost. I was in serious lower back pain starting the night that he was born... and it didn't go away.
Jason and I had been praying throughout my pregnancy with Josiah that the Lord would have mercy on us and show us His will for our fertility. WE were ready to be done. But, we were also fully committed to whatever HIS plans for us were. But, we were once again asking the Lord to at least close my womb for a time of healing. Little did we know just how He would answer this prayer.
We rejoice over the blessings that the Lord has given us in each of our children. And, we couldn't imagine life without any of them... even if we didn't feel "ready" for them at the time. God's ways are perfect... how truly we know this.
So, we continue on after Josiah's birth... fully expecting to "get back to normal" as always. I realized fairly quickly that there was something wrong and it was confirmed just 3 weeks after he was born. I had a serious pelvic prolapse. Everything was falling out and I was in significant pain.
We had our answer from the Lord about our fertility. However, I was NOT happy about being the one who had to go through surgery and recovery for this. I can actually look back at my attitude then and kinda chuckle. How often do I ask something of God and then get mad when he answers me... just not the way I had anticipated? The Lord has chosen to close my womb... and remove it... because it's falling out anyway.
So, I had the surgery on May 6th... a hysterectomy with complete pelvic repair/reconstruction. I knew that I would have at least a 6 week initial recovery time. I knew that it was going to be a difficult recovery. But, I can honestly say that I was not prepared for how difficult it turned out to be... or for the complications. I was not allowed to lift my baby... or any of my other children. Someone had to bring Josiah to me to nurse... and then take him when he finished. I could hold him in my lap... but I couldn't lift him or get up with him. I was tied to my bedroom to recover so that my children didn't hurt me any more than I was already hurting. And, the catheter... oh the catheter... that was torture and nothing that I would wish on my worst enemy.
The complications... I couldn't pee... and some of the surgical areas inside weren't healing properly. So, I had to go back for further surgery on June 23rd to fix things. Praise the Lord that surgery definitely helped. I could finally pee on my own (without the catheter) and the inside areas were finally able to heal properly. But, it hasn't been a complete success. I still have some pain and urinary issues. I'm on my third UTI since that last surgery... two of which have been in the last month.
So, where did all that leave me?!? Still mad at God and just not able to get to the root issue. I haven't said anything because I just haven't known what to say. But, now I do. God is God... whether we believe it or not... whether we understand things or not... and whether we like what He's doing or not. I am resting in His promises. Whether I am healed here on earth... or in eternity... I know that I will be healed. And, I DO know that His ways are much better than my own.
So, while I adjust to my fresh new attitude, I wanted to share that it's been a long journey... but, I'm rejoicing to be where I am right now. I choose JOY!
